i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
