Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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