I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
