either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
pop tarts are not kleenex
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
