I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
