I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
