and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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