I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize