haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
