i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
