Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
