This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize