there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
