my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
