drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
