Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
