Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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