does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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