Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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