Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
