I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize