make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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