He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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