Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
