We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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