Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
