I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
