We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
