oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
