$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
