I just pynch a tree in the face
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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