In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
