the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
