wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
