you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
