I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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