Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
