her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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