our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize