You made me cry and you don't even care
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
