So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
barbara walters just said penis...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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