ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
