you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
