The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
