just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
