I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
