I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
