Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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