I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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