Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
