so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
