can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
