ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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