ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize