why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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