This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
