I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
