this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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