Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
