I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize