I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
