No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize