She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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