My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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