What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
