we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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