are you still at the devil's house?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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