The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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