I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
